Deny
by colordrifter
Summary: It was common knowledge that assassins would have to remain assassins for the rest of their lives. Kaku wondered if his job was worth it all. Pre-Enies Lobby. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece; Oda-sensei does, and I think we're all better off for it.**

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><p>Below the storm gray clouds that threatened to spill without warning, the Sea Train puffed once, getting ready to make the last trip of the day. Inside one of the cabins, Kaku settled himself down on a cushioned seat, looking at the varnished walls and decorated doorways with interest. The Sea Train was of the highest quality in both comfort and style.<p>

"Our mission is almost over, isn't it?" asked Kalifa, walking down the aisle. She, for all her learned tactfulness as Iceburg's secretary, didn't seem to sense the waves of annoyance rolling off of Lucci, who arranged his fur cloak before sitting down.

Kaku winced internally when he heard the latter's sharp retort. After years of mingling with regular city folk, it was a little disconcerting to hear the quiet authority Lucci once again exerted as CP9's top assassin. Kalifa, probably feeling just as startled, quickly apologized and went to her seat.

Kaku sat back, admiring the satin plush cushions covering the seats. The creators' attention to detail and comfort was minute. For the first time in five years, he felt relaxed. The mission was complete. There were no more secret midnight meetings to deal with, no more hunting down a debt-ridden Paulie or fetching a wandering Iceburg, no more having to listen to a _pigeon _talk for a man that could speak perfectly well on his own.

No more pretending to be someone he wasn't.

It was a great feeling, being liberated of a mask he had to hide behind.

But then out of the blue, for the first time in five years, Kaku also felt the beginnings of what could only be called _regret_. And that surprised him because he didn't know what caused it.

Retrieving the Pluton blueprints wasn't his first assignment as part of CP9. The mission went relatively smooth for something so long-term, and, as a bonus, they got Nico Robin as well as the blueprints. Kaku didn't even have to kill anyone. But this time, there was something eating at him that wasn't there before.

A government agent entered the carriage and announced the plans for an early departure, nervously eyeing the assassins as if they'd stab him for daring to speak in front of them.

Lucci dismissed him almost immediately. "Let's leave." The man quickly exited, obviously relieved. Lucci crossed his legs. "I've lived here for five years, but I feel no regret about leaving this island."

_Ah, so that was it._

Kaku realized what the nagging feeling was when a sudden sense of loss washed over him, accompanied by a strong desire to jump out of his seat and run out of the train and back to the docks. His body didn't budge an inch, being much too well trained to obey sudden impulses. Internally, he laughed at his discovery.

He seemed to have become quite attached to the city of Water Seven.

No, that wasn't completely right, amended Kaku, prodding his emotions curiously, like a child would observe an unknown object. It wasn't the city that drew him. It wasn't even the Galley-La company.

It was the ships.

Now that Kaku thought of it, it really wasn't that surprising. As a kid, he wanted to become a shipwright, often carving little wooden boats and setting them on the surface of a pond to see if they would float. But then he joined the CP9 training program and a future as a shipwright became an impossibility. Even so, he remembered his childhood hobby. It amused him to think of other occupational possibilities that he could've explored had he not joined the government agency.

He had been very pleased to hear that his mission would post him in Water Seven, where he would be able to revive an abandoned dream. Aside from the sentimental value, shipbuilding was also fun.

And he was right. Kaku liked being able to create something for once, instead of taking things (or people) apart. The feeling of being a normal person without an ulterior motive was temporary but strangely satisfying. He even found jumping off the roofs of buildings to be exhilarating, despite having already mastered Geppou, which virtually allowed him to fly.

Now Kaku was finding it a little hard to leave all that behind. He spent five years of doing something he loved and the sudden withdrawal left him feeling oddly hollow. It was a new feeling; Kaku didn't know what to make of it.

He had to admit, he enjoyed his role as a CP9 agent. Being able to support the government and protect the innocent was a fulfilling cause. But at that moment, sitting in a Sea Train that was about to leave Water Seven at any second, Kaku almost thought he would choose his Galley-La job over CP9.

He certainly wasn't suicidal enough to go back to the city. Lucci would kill him before he even set foot past the train exit. But Kaku entertained himself by wondering how the Galley-La men would react if he went back to the city. Not very well, he thought wryly. He still remembered the look of shock and betrayal on Iceburg's face when CP9 first revealed themselves, and the disbelief and pain on Paulie's.

He felt a pang of remorse at that. He respected Iceburg for ability to balance his position as mayor and president of the Galley-La company. Paulie might be a pain sometimes, but Kaku liked him for his trustworthiness and impressive shipbuilding skills. They were all friends once, and they still would be but for the motives of the World Government.

And for that fleeting second, Kaku regretted joining no matter how great the prestige of being a government agent was, it also cost him, depriving him of friends, of passions, of opportunities and lives he could've lived.

He considered walking out of the train and back to the city, even if he had to fight Lucci to do so.

But then the train whistle gave a shrill shriek and the second passed. And as the Sea Train slowly started to move, Kaku relaxed the muscles he didn't remember tensing, his head clearing from the thoughts that leaped out of nowhere. He snapped himself back to the present and pushed his emotions into a corner of his mind. There was no point thinking about what could have been; Kaku had already chosen his path and was determined to see it through. And right now he had a mission to complete. CP9 had prisoners to deliver and a reputation to uphold.

There was no room for second guesses.


End file.
